The Phoenix and The Vampire
by LavenderGale
Summary: This is a back story told from Esme Cullen's point of view. It will chronicle events leading up to Twilight or just before it. Back story to Cullen's in detail. It is in alternate Universe sort of in that I mixed up the time line alot.
1. Salvation

The day I stopped fighting I thought would be the most peaceful day of my life. That day everything made sense. For the first time, I knew what I had to do, I thought I had found the answer to all those months of pain. The cure for the slow ache in my heart that devoured me from the inside out. Of course I thought wrong, it's a shame I didn't realize it until it was too late.

When I lept off that cliff I felt nothing, no emotion just the bare greyness of despair. I saw nothing, only grey sky and rolling sea rising to welcome me. Swallow me, make me disappear like I wanted to. I closed my eyes, then the sickening impact. Something harder and more unyielding then water ever could be. Then the dark came and I died…or so I thought. But…once again…I thought wrong.

When I came back to myself, I didn't immediately realize I was alive. I couldn't see, I couldn't call for help, I could feel something warm and wet pooling beneath my head. But no pain, I realized I was lying broken into at least a million pieces and I felt nothing. Nothing. I almost wanted the pain then, the pain would mean I was alive and it was not too late to change my mind. To live, to make up for this foolish mistake. But I felt nothing, just a deep fear and sadness. Then the voice came.

People who have had near death experiences often speak of a celestial voice that speaks to them. They recall feeling a sense of safety and peace when they hear it. I understand what they mean, I've heard it too. Only my 'Angel' turned out to be another form of celestial being all together.

I heard a man's voice close to my ear, the only reason I knew it was human at all was because of the emotion I heard in it. An angel would not be so concerned or sympathetic I was certain. Especially not to me.

"What is your name?" I heard the voice ask, it took me a second to force my lips to move. Every movement seemed delayed and painfully slow as though in a dream. " Esme.." I breathed, my voice sounding slow , the sound of my own name foreign to my ears.

" Esme…" the voice was close to me, I knew the owner must be kneeling beside me his voice sounded urgent and it frustrated me that I could not answer him more quickly. " Esme, can you open your eyes?"

Weren't my eyes open? I'd known a moment ago but now I was not so sure. Everything was growing foggy and confused. The voice was speaking, further away now. Perhaps it had given up on me, I opened my eyes searching . What I saw was a world of blurred shapes and bright sunlight that made my eyes ache. I was about to close my eyes against the pain when a face appeared through the light. A man's face, a young man, around thirty not much older then myself. His hair looked golden in the sunlight and his amber eyes seemed so full of comfort and understanding it made me cry. He would not look at me so kindly if he knew what I'd done.

"Esme, my name is Dr. Cullen…I'm going to help you…can you hear me?" I went to nod, but something held my head , it felt like marble or stone. I felt it yield as something flat and stiff was slipped beneath me. " Yes," I said with an effort, " Yes, I can hear you." Suddenly another light, brighter and more focused even then the sunlight blinded me briefly. Then the face was there again, I heard the voice telling me to move my toes, my fingers. Asking if I could feel in various places. I couldn't, I was like a block of stone. I was beginning to see what was going on…but I shut it from my mind. For a moment the face disappeared and I slipped back into darkness, when I opened my eyes again I was being carried away. I protested, but a hand was on my forehead. It was cool and smooth as marble, I had never felt a touch like it, then the voice again. " You have to lie still, Esme…do you understand? You're hurt…."

I spoke, my voice sounding weak and shaky, " Am I dying?" The voice was comforting, " No, you'll be fine…we'll take care of you." I looked away tears in my eyes. I knew Dr. Cullen was lying and I thanked him for it. I didn't want to hear the truth right then.

I don't remember the ride to the hospital, nor the frantic rush of the emergency room. I can imagine it now, through images I've seen on T.V. and memories I've stolen from unwary minds, but no real memory exists. The next thing I remember with any clarity is opening my eyes into a blinding light, it hurt and I felt tears fall from my eyes. I lay there for a moment, helpless as a turtle on it's back powerless to move or even scream very loudly. Then I started to hear the voices around me, there were many now and the sound of beeping machines and rattling instruments. The voices formed a frantic hum around me, it terrified me. No one seemed to notice me, I could not feel the things they were doing to me..if they were bothering to do anything. More tears fell from my eyes, then out of the hum I recognized Dr. Cullen's voice. It was low now, a whisper, I was not supposed to hear. But I did.

" It's a shame, she's so young." A nurse spoke sadly, " You're sure there's nothing you can do?"

Dr. Cullen spoke in a defeated tone, " No, there's nothing more medically we can do," There was something in the way he said ' medically' that sounded strange. As though there were some other means he could use to heal me. I brushed it aside, all hope was smothered at the next statement. " Her neck is broken and she has severe damage to her brain, it's a wonder she's awake at all." A sigh, heavy as lead came next. Then it seemed the atmosphere shifted, it was as though Dr. Cullen suddenly realized some one else was listening in. In a moment he was beside me again.

" How are you doing , Esme? Do you remember me?" How could I forget? I thought. " Yes," I said, " Before you lie to me…you should know. I heard you."

Dr. Cullen looked grim, " I'm sorry, I didn't realize you could hear.." his amber eyes looked sad, there was something else there too. A figuring look, gauging look like he was trying to figure me out. I spoke before he could, it had begun to get hard to breath so it took an effort. " Will it hurt?"

Dr. Cullen looked puzzled. " What?"

I smiled blinking back tears, " Will I suffer? When I die that is…or will it be quick? I hope it will be quick..I don't want to linger." Dr. Cullen was looking at me in an awed way. There I was, a young woman, in the prime of her life. Faced with a death sentence and I was calmly discussing it. I was marveling at it myself. When he finally spoke, his voice was gentle.

" It will be fairly fast…we'll make sure you're comfortable."

" what will happen to me?"

Dr. Cullen swallowed hard, " Well…slowly your organs will shut down…it will get hard to breath…and…" he seemed to break out of his doctor role then. His voice lost the professional edge and it was surprisingly agitated. " Forgive me," he said , " But…how can you be so calm about this? I've never seen anything like it.."

"I can go hysterical if you like…"

"No! That isn't what I mean…it's just, there's something about you…"

I closed my eyes for a moment breathing deeply, " When you have nothing left to live for..death isn't so frightening."

Dr. Cullen looked at me, it was a strange look. I noticed we were alone in the room now. Dr. Cullen spoke again.

" You jumped off that cliff on purpose…" I looked away.

" Apparently, fate has a sense of humor."

Dr. Cullen was not laughing, he was staring at me , I wondered if he would leave me now. Now that he knew I'd meant to die, I closed my eyes.

" You don't have to waste your time on me…I know how it must seem…" I paused to catch my breath, " But…I never really wanted to die…I just wanted the pain to stop." My eyes closed of their own accord then and darkness took me once again.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a darkened room. I heard the beep of monitors and an oxygen mask was over my face. I felt more numb then ever, and it hurt to breath. My eyes roamed around the room. It was empty, tears rose in my eyes. I had guessed as much, I would die alone in the end after all.

If only Doctor Cullen could know the WHY behind what I'd done. If only he'd known the heart ache I'd suffered, being abandoned by my family and my lover. Then losing the child I carried, a tiny boy whose face still haunted me. If only I could tell him about the burning hole in my heart, the clawing , clinging sadness, perhaps he could find it in his heart to pity me. I closed my eyes to wait.

"Esme?"

The voice startled me, I opened my eyes hardly believing, Doctor Cullen stood beside me, his amber eyes staring into mine. I smiled. He returned it, slanted some what with pity.

" That smile…it's so indominatable…but your eyes are so sad." I was surprised at how human he sounded, how affectionate. I felt tears falling down my cheeks,

" Will you stay with me?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing…"

Dr.Cullen said, his voice sounded as though he had found the answer to a problem.

"What?" I said,

Dr. Cullen sighed and walked closer to me, " I lied to you in there…there is a way I can save you…"

I felt hope fill me, it must have showed in my eyes because Dr. Cullen held up his hand.

" Listen to me, please. It's very important that you understand what I'm saying, what I'm asking of you."

I looked at him, my breath as frail as it was, was coming quicker.

"I can make you well again, completely, like new…better then new. But there's a price…"

I spoke eagerly, " I'll pay anything!"

"I don't mean money…" Dr. Cullen seemed frustrated, "Do you trust me?"

I nodded slowly. Dr. Cullen took a deep breath, he seemed to be gathering himself.

"I don't wish to frighten you…but you must know..I'm not what I seem. I'm not…human. "

My heart sped up, but strangely I was not afraid, nor did I not believe him. It seemed perfectly logical, it explained why he was so different then anyone I'd ever met. My eyes must have shown the thrill of excitement for Dr. Cullen spoke.

"If I said I was a vampire…would you believe me?"

" Yes."

" Are you afraid?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm more afraid of being alone, then dying. Why should I worry?"

Dr. Cullen closed his eyes again, whispering something that sounded like " Damndest creature." Under his breath, then quickly gathered himself.

"I don't have time to explain everything…but…I'm asking you to let me make you one of us…it will be painful, it will be frightening, and you will be changed forever when I am done. You must give up everything you've ever known…"

"I already have…"

"Would you risk your soul?"

Now I paused, this was too much. "I have to give up my soul?"

"That might be the case…but…I honestly don't know if we keep our souls."

I shivered, I'd forgotten one other key thing. " You…eat humans..you drink blood."

" Yes, we drink blood…but not all vampires prey on humans..I'm one of the ones that don't."

I milled this over there were a million reasons to say no, the risks could be higher and suddenly I realized I didn't care. The only thing that matter was I must have this chance. I felt my chest tightening and I began to struggle for air. I fought to stay awake but could feel myself slipping away. I felt Dr. Cullen's marble hands against my face removing the mask.

" Esme..Esme..listen to me…" his voice was rapid and desperate, it was obvious we had very little time…I had very little time. " Do you want this?"

his voice was desperate, it was obvious what he wanted. He wanted me. Though I couldn't imagine why. " Esme !" he said urgently, I drew in my breath, " Yes…" I said with an effort, " Yes…do it…I want it…"

Almost instantly I felt something sharp bite into my neck, then a burning gradually radiating through my body. As the pain started, I shuddered. I felt Dr. Cullen's hand on mine, yes, I felt it…my dead body was coming back to life. The burning intensified and I stifled a cry. Dr. Cullen put a hand over my mouth gently. His voice was comforting, " I'm sorry…hold on..the worst will be over soon…"

I looked at him, twining my new healthy fingers around his. " Dr. Cullen.." I gasped through the pain, he looked at me his eyes full of a look of intense emotion.

" Call me Carlisle.."

" Carlisle…" I said, the name feeling strange on my lips, " Thank you."

Something dark covered my eyes and the fire consumed me.


	2. Rebirth

(Author's Note: I realized recently and was told by a friend that there are MANY holes in my story from a Twilight verse stan

(Author's Note: I realized recently and was told by a friend that there are MANY holes in my story from a Twilight verse stand point. I was glad to find this out as I want to be a better writer and appreciate feed back. The problem you see is I am only half way through New Moon and have not yet read Eclipse so there are huge holes in my knowledge. However, this story I feel has its moments so if the mods and "Twihards" out there will forgive me. I'd like to post this next chapter. I've tried to fix what I've confused with Carlisle and Esme's ages at least. Thanks for reading and being helpful. – LG)

I don't remember much about the change it's self. It was like the memory of extraordinary pain, dim and amorphous like a dream. I remember the sensation of flying or more accurately, moving extremely fast. This was followed by a feverish state punctuated by lucid moments of intense pain that made me want to scream, but I didn't. Carlisle was a kind maker; he stayed with me through it all. Holding me and soothing me though he could do nothing to ease the pain of the transformation, his presence calmed me and so the suffering seemed easier to bear.

Soon, the pain grew less and my senses began to return. Carlisle could now leave me alone for a time without risking my health or sanity. I never slept during those times, it seemed odd to me, was this one of the changes Carlisle had talked about? I simply felt no need for it; however my body was still in a kind of shock, listlessness filled me dulling my senses and mind. Looking back it was little wonder it took so long to adjust, after all, dying is a great trauma to the body.

I remember the first day I actually felt like myself again. My body had fully adjusted to the strange change that had occurred. Immediately I noticed a difference and not just in the recovery of my physical health, I had expected that, but in my perception of the world. My senses had never been so acute, looking around the darkened chamber I realized I could see perfectly as though it were broad daylight. Details were sharper, colors brighter, just the pattern on the wall paper was a fascination to me. The sense that I noticed the most change in was my sense of smell. Where I lay I could smell many smells and each smell distinctly. Most I could identify. After shave, wood polish, various food smells and the smells from the outside a normal nose would not be able to smell at such a distance. Then there were the new smells, ones I didn't recognize. Some were musky smells, like animal fur, others salty like sweat or sea air and then there was that almost over powering smell, like the smell of salt and iron that assailed my nostrils constantly. Could that be blood? I chased it from my mind, not ready to deal with it yet. The answers would come in time, I could wait, this was a special day, why spoil it? How often can you remember your own birthday?

As I rose and opened the shutters I was surprised to find it was broad day light, at first I was frightened. After all, weren't vampires allergic to light? Then I remembered Carlisle had not been bothered by it. Another mystery to solve, soon I would have quite a puzzle to unravel. The light from the window fell on a package on the table, someone had printed in painstaking pen man ship across it. "Esme" it read. My curiosity bursting I untied the ribbons and removed the paper with shaking hands, my first gift from a vampire how terrifyingly exciting.

As I opened the box, I gasped, carefully wrapped in tissue paper was a beautiful blue silk dress. It was plain, but classy, and the perfect shape and size to flatter my slight frame, the V-neck alarmed me some what. Then I decided, what harm can it do? After all, you're only undead once.

I put on the dress and found it fit me perfectly. Combined with the matching shoes and wrap Carlisle had included it was a stunning outfit. But too expensive and flashy to be worn during the day, I turned to take it off. But at that exact moment I heard something I hadn't noticed before then, something I hadn't expected to hear. As I stood tuning my super natural hearing I heard clearly the tinkling notes of a piano. Could that be Carlisle? Why would he be home so early from the hospital? I hadn't been aware of anyone else in the house except Carlisle and myself, then again, I hadn't been in any condition to notice. The melody continued, beautiful and haunting, it flowed and sighed like the sweetest of sorrows. I followed the music until I came to a large, open parlor decorated in Victorian motif. Pictures of Cherubs and saints adorned the walls, I half felt like I should kneel down in adoration. In the center of the room was a baby grand piano, a Steinway I noticed, Carlisle didn't scrimp on quality. But the most stunning feature in the room was the musician. A young boy, perhaps seventeen at the most sat at the piano intensely staring at the notes before him. Over the keys below, almost seemingly without his knowledge his fingers flew fluidly from note to note like a typist typing. No human could have played notes so quickly and so smoothly, the young man must have extraordinary talent. I approached quietly, so as not to startle him, what I hadn't counted on was the mirror just above the piano. Sensing something, the boy looked up. Catching sight of my immortal self staring back at him he leapt like an animal caught at rest and strove to turn so quickly he slid right off the bench. I covered my mouth to hide my laugh. The boy was not laughing, he was cursing. He rose meeting my eyes with his own; they were intensely amber, like Carlisle's. I smiled. "Sorry." I said, "I didn't know anyone else was here."

The boy seemed to take me in, and then he shook his head and gave a side ways smile. He'd obviously figured out what was going on. "Esme is it?" He asked, his voice had the same quality that Carlisle's had. A sort of aged quality, from another time and was that a slight accent? Italian? I nodded. "Sorry if I startled you." The boy seemed annoyed by this, "You didn't. I simply moved too fast, even vampires miscalculate."

"I see." I said looking at him fondly; he had the same fascinating beauty as Carlisle. "Carlisle never mentioned having a son…" The boy chuckled; it was the laugh of a much older man.

"That would be because he doesn't….he has no children…he does, however, have an Edward.that would be me. Pleased to meet you." He held out his hand and I took it, the coldness and stiffness of the flesh frightened me. I looked at him wide eyed.

"You're one of them too?"

"THEM?" Said Edward with a half smile, "Don't you mean US?" He chuckled, "Yes, I'm a vampire. The same as Carlisle and the same as you. Does that surprise you?"

I had to admit it did surprise me and frightened me, more then when I'd heard Carlisle was a vampire. It seemed somehow perverse for one so young to be drawn into this life style. He still had his life ahead of him or had when he was made. More so then Carlisle and I, was he even capable of understanding the choice he had been given? Suddenly Edward cleared his throat, "It's the age, no doubt. It's always the age that makes them nervous. It's like I'm some kind of abomination."

"How old are you?" I asked

"Seventeen…."

I looked at him pointedly. His glance was mischieviously innocent. He knew what I meant, he was just playing with me.

He smiled, "Seventeen times eternity."

"You're not that old; Carlisle isn't even that old…No one is."

"I'm old enough," said Edward, "Older then you…old enough to tell you that age means nothing to us, we are as we are. When you live forever, what's the point of keeping count?"

I smiled; I wanted to ask him so many things. But one question alone remained unspoken. What's your story? I wondered. What made you decide to be what you are? Where's your family?

To my surprise Edward narrowed his eyes. "You are a curious creature aren't you? You're thinking of me like a lost kitten or stray dog, you pity me. You want to save me. I don't need saving…my past is so far gone it's as though it never existed. It can't touch me."

"How did you know…?" I began, but Edward just smiled and winked. I smiled back, let him keep his secrets all in good time.


	3. Curiousity

Chapter 3: Secrets

Chapter 3: Secrets

Edward kept to himself mostly the rest of the day, but I had the strange feeling that he was keeping watch over me. The strangest thing was even when he was not in the room, I felt his presence as though he had never left. It didn't bother me, having been isolated for so long it was good to have company. In a way, too I suppose Edward comforted me in other ways as well. Memories of my tiny son, now long buried in the ground haunted me even in this new life and when I saw Edward it was as though I'd been given a glimpse into what I thought I would never see…my son grown and healthy. I knew Edward was no child, but it didn't matter, my heart bonded to him as a mother to a child the minute I saw him. Strange how the heart works….especially mine.

I busied myself exploring the small Victorian house Carlisle and Edward lived in. I was fascinated by the size of it, it seemed big enough to hold a family of eight far too large for two people…even three people. When I reached Carlisle's study I noticed the door was locked, I rattled the handle curiously. Why would Carlisle lock this one room when all the other rooms were open? As I turned to go, Edward was suddenly beside me. I jumped, would I ever get used to the little differences that surrounded me, filled me? I wasn't sure.

Edward's voice was calm as he gave his half way smile.

"Did I frighten you?"

"Yes," I said, " Do all …Do all of us move as quickly as you?"

"Most of us do, Carlisle does and my self, it might be an age thing. The older one gets in human years, the more their skills are honed and strengthened."

I shook myself, "Is something wrong? You showed up so suddenly,I thought…"

Edward smiled again, but it seemed more to reassure me then any thing. He took my shoulder and turned me gently from the study door and toward the stair case . " Carlisle doesn't like people going into his study, he's a private person…very private."

I felt curiosity over whelm me. Carlisle was a 'private person' was he? Or just private about one thing. I came out of my thoughts to see Edward looking at me with his amber eyes, they were narrowed and I hoped my fear didn't show. When he spoke it was almost warning, but a gentle warning like the kind you would give a child that got to close to candle flame.

" Esme, I know how new this all must be for you. How exciting. But were I you, I wouldn't be so curious just yet."

I felt my heart speed up, my head felt light. Why had I wanted to go into that room so badly? Was there even a room? All I could see in my mind now was Edwards burning amber eyes. I shook my head, glaring at him. " STOP!" I said " My thoughts are my own, not yours! I'm not a book you can read at will!" Edward's eyes grew large, he wasn't angry at my outburst he seemed almost apologetic. He blinked his eyes a few times, then spoke. His tone was gentle, it was the tone a person would use to soothe a frightened animal.

"Esme…"

"Don't…" I turned away, unable to meet his eyes. Unsure as to why his actions had offended me so.

"Esme I wasn't…I would never…you don't understand."

"Of course I don't understand! Why would I? You stay out of my head!"

Edward's eyes seemed sad, then he smiled and touched my shoulder. His icy fingers felt less strange now that my own body was growing cold. Still I shuddered. His voice was gentle.

"Esme…I wasn't reading your thoughts…not really. I would never do that unless you gave me permission. Sometimes thoughts slip through to me…I can't help it. I've always been that way to a degree. Being a vampire just makes it stronger."

"You were trying to do something now! I felt it, you were trying to control me."

Edward looked down shifting, "I should not have done that…you're right. I only wanted to protect you. Persuade you, not to go where you shouldn't."

"Carlisle's study? You only had to ask, I wouldn't have gone against his wishes."

"Not just the study Esme…there are secrets in this house. You needn't be frightened of them. You'll learn them all in time. Carlisle will teach you when he thinks you're ready. You mustn't try to find the answers on your own."

I looked at him. It seemed odd to hear the voice of an elder, a teacher coming from the mouth of a seventeen year old boy. But I understood. I nodded and turned to go. Edward spoke behind me, "I'm sorry I offended you, sometimes I forget what it's like to be young…" It was my turn to smile then, but it was a sad smile. "How sad.." I thought, "To be made so old so young." Yet I found it amusing to look at that child's face and have it call me young. ME who were we human would have been twice his age. If Carlisle was my angel, then Edward was my sunshine. Perhaps a winter sunshine, muted and shy; but sunshine none the less. "Edward," I thought, "My Edward, you'll always be a child too me."


	4. A Little Heart Music

Chapter 4: Carlisle

I was a bit shaken by the events of the previous afternoon. But I soon put it out of my mind, I was perched in a window seat with a book in my lap. I had intended to read, but I found myself instead staring out the window at the sun fading into the western sky and wondering when Carlisle would come home.

It was in this position Edward found me. He sat down on the piano bench and played a scale so rapid it quickly snapped me awake. He smiled.

" When I was mortal we had a dog that used to do that…"

I looked at him puzzled. He continued smoothly. "It's true, a German shepherd I think…I can't remember it's name. But it was my father's dog , I clearly remember that. It used to sit at the window and wait for my father to come home every evening. It always looked so mournful, like no matter how much it loved the rest of the family its entire world revolved around whether or not my father was in its world. It doted on him that much." Edward shrugged, as I stared at him. "What can I say? It's the smallest memories that seem to remain."

" Well, I'm not a dog.." I responded cooly, returning to my book for a moment only to lift my head again. "When you were first made..did you.." I paused feeling the color come to my face, " Did you _dote_ on Carlisle as well?" Edward smiled and cast a glance out the window, " Oh yes..I still do. He was my savior, my angel…now…well he's like a very old friend. One beyond titles. "

I smiled, "You never miss him when he's not here then?" Edward sat down at the piano languidly and played a few notes from the song I'd heard earlier. As he did he spoke his eyes straight ahead but obviously not reading the music. "Of course I miss Carlisle, but you see, normally I'm too occupied to notice when he's gone. There's my music, my studies, I've even studied medicin

a time or two…"

"A time or two?" I said surprised, Edward laughed and continued, " I think you're seeing my point…we have so much time you see. With luck we could see millennia together, there's much less urgency in our relationships then with humans. " I was silent for a moment, Edward seemed to be thinking. When he spoke it was a strange mix of joking and confessing only the very old can pull off. "Well," he said gesturing towards the view beyond the piano, " There's also a reason I practice my music so much…" I noticed for the first time then that the piano was in the direct view of the window. I smiled conspiratorially at him. "Your secret's safe with me."

A moment of silence passed then I spoke. "Do you know any songs or is all the music you play instrumental?" Edward looked at me out of the corner of his eye, " Why do you ask? Do you sing?" I colored again, "Perhaps…"

Edward and I as it turned out both had a mutual appreciation for music. He knew the older ballads and church hymns I'd been taught to sing, but also the more contemporary music of the time. I was singing the old Civil war ballad "Lorena" , one of my favorites and Edward was accompanying me on the piano when I felt the tiniest of prickles ride up the back of my neck. It was similar to the feeling of being watched you get at night, only stronger. I KNEW I was being watched and by who. Edward too seemed to sense it for the music ceased moments before my song did. There was a deep chuckle and the sound of someone applauding. "Carlisle.." said Edward without turning, but I turned as though singed. When I saw him words failed me. To my embarrassment I felt the color fill my cheeks again as I smiled shyly. Finally he spoke saving me the awkwardness of the moment. "Good Evening Edward.." said the now well known voice, then I felt his eyes on me and I lifted mine to meet his a small smile on my lips. " Esme.." he said, putting so many emotions into my name it made me marvel. He stepped closer to me and instinctively I backed up, men had always made me nervous. My husband had been abusive, no fit father for my child, I had left him because of that. But in all honesty, he'd left me long before that. Carlisle smiled gently, putting out his hand and softly touching my cheek . He cupped a hand under my chin and raised my eyes to meet his as though looking for something. Then I saw him smile, his kind eyes growing liquid for a moment before returning to their natural sparkle. " You look beautiful…" he said, I startled then remembered the dress he'd given me. I'd never taken it off as I'd intended too, secretly now I was glad.

"Thank you…" I said my words finally coming out in a gasp. Even as a vampire, this man could dazzle me. I obviously had a lot to learn about my new powers.


	5. Gifts of The heart

Chapter 5: Carlisle

That first night Carlisle and I spent together was the most intense of my existence. I have never felt such intense passion or such tender love and the miracle of it was we barely touched each other.

Edward made himself scarce for most of the evening, what he did with himself I couldn't imagine. Especially since, as Carlisle told me, vampires have no need of sleep.

Carlisle and I sat in the large parlor of the house, the room where Edward and I had first met. I remember the furniture was red velvet and the rug was Persian. The rest, aside from the pictures and the piano I had seen earlier, I have no memory of. I was too busy looking at Carlisle's eyes. With their liquid amber color and fiery brilliance Carlisle's eyes attracted me like a moth to a flame. I must have been staring for quite some time for suddenly I became aware of a silence and it was then I realized Carlisle had been talking to me all this time. I hadn't even noticed until he stopped! I shook my head and Carlisle laughed.

" You just agreed that your role in this family should be to stay quiet, look pretty and clean. Are you quite all right Esme?"

If I could have, I would have blushed. Still fighting to regain myself,I stammered out. "Yes..yes I'm fine. It's just…I was just…are you even aware of how you effect people?"

Carlisle smiled like a naughty child. " Of course…I was just having so much fun watching you." I frowned. "It's not fair you know…you know so much more then me…it makes me feel like a child. Even Edward knows more then me?"

"Even Edward, eh?" Carlisle seemed to savor the words, " Well, Esme my dear, the reason for that is simple…both Edward and I are older then we look. We've had decades...centuries in my case, to learn the ropes. So to speak."

" So, I am a child in your eyes?" My eyes were drawing dangerously close to those amber orbs again, I looked at his nose instead and hoped it didn't show. Carlisle reached for my hand but I drew back, after all I hardly knew this man. Carlisle withdrew his hand apologetically, " Esme, you are most definitely NOT a child to me. No child could have a heart or a spirit like yours." I looked away.

"How do you know anything about me? Carlisle, a week ago we were strangers…we hardly know each other."

Carlisle looked a bit uncomfortable, he looked down for a moment and I was afraid I had hurt him. After all, strangers though we were, I loved this man. I had no desire to injure my guardian angel. He cleared his throat and spoke.

" You're right." He said simply, meeting my eyes. This time I was not overcome, however a warmth still flowed through me. " You'll have to forgive me…" he continued, " All my life I've had a certain, intuition when it comes to people. I've known what makes them hurt, what makes them smile…it's like I feel it for my own. Becoming a vampire has only heightened it."

"You can read thoughts? Like Edward?"

" No, not really…it's more that I can feel other's feelings. When I look in some one's eyes, it's like I feel their emotions as my own."

"What do you feel when you look at me?"

Carlisle paused, looking deep into my eyes. His stare was so intense I felt dizzy, I saw the pale face twitch as though in pain and a sadness filled the amber orbs. I felt fear suddenly, as though I were harming him somehow. I didn't want him to hurt because of me, it was my pain not his. It wasn't fair . I felt a strange warmth fill my frigid flesh, then suddenly Carlisle's features relaxed and he smiled. "Esme, I cannot read your emotions if you block them from me."

I was astounded, " I wasn't…was I?"

" No need to be alarmed, you were very gentle about it…you've had practice hiding your pain from others. I almost believed the emotions you sent me."

" I didn't do anything…I just…I didn't want to hurt you."

Carlisle nodded, " I thought as much…Esme your remarkable." I was getting agitated. What was he talking about? I didn't have any special powers, I was as ordinary as they came. Wasn't I?

" What you just did, Esme is a defense it takes most vampires ages to perfect. Only in your case, it was a reverse defense."

" You mean, I was trying to protect you with my emotions?"

" No…you DID protect me with your emotions. Esme, your capable of giving off so much love and goodness it drowns out negative emotion….it's amazing."

I looked puzzled, " But you do the same thing…"

"No, I can sense pain and sometimes I can heal physical pain But you…you can heal people's hearts."

I dropped my head. " I didn't do so good with my own heart. "

Carlisle looked somber, he put his hand out again and I did not pull away. The coolness of his touch felt strangely comforting. " That's just it…" he said, gently " That's what makes your gift so remarkable…you only use it on other people. "

I looked down. " Do all vampires have a gift?" Carlisle nodded, " Most of us do, usually it's a gift we had when we were mortal, a latent one if you will. It gets stronger when we're turned."

"Not a very useful gift, something I have no control over."

"That's the best kind…the most powerful. It isn't something you control, it's part of you."

" Love?" I asked, "That's my gift?"

"To put it simply, yes.."

" And your's?"

" Compassion."

I smiled and wrapped my hand around his own. " We're a good pair then." Carlisle's eyes lit up. "Yes, a very good pair."

Suddenly a thought occurred to me. Wasn't compassion just another word for pity? Is that why Carlisle had chosen me? Did he pity me?

"Esme?" Carlisle's voice was puzzled. "Do you want to ask me something?"

I shook my head, "It's not important." Carlisle tightened his grip on my hand, " I didn't choose you because of what happened to you…because of what I felt within you. You know that don't you?"

" Then you did feel it….you know what happened."

Carlisle looked at me, " You jumped off of a cliff."

"Do you know why I jumped?"

Carlisle was silent, looking at me somberly. "No, the why didn't matter to me."

"It matters to me…may I tell you?"

"Of course."

I nodded. I breathed deeply and opened my mouth. Then to my embarrassment I discovered I couldn't speak a word. Could I remember those horrible things. Could I share them with him? Was it right?

"I'm afraid…" I managed,

" Don't be afraid…" Said Carlisle gently " You won't hurt me."

I breathed deeply. " I couldn't find any other way. I tried, to go on..to start over but…" I trailed off.

" You couldn't see through the dark?"

I looked up sharply, that was exactly how I'd felt. " Yes…" I said, " I felt like I was dead already…it..it wasn't until I actually did it that I realized…"

" That you still had so much to live for?"

I pursed my lips. "Whatever you're doing…stop it."

"I swear, I'm not doing a thing."

"Then how do you know…how can you possibly know how I felt?"

Carlisle smiled, " I've felt it too."

I was silent, there was more to come. I knew.

Carlisle took a deep breath and spoke, his eyes focused on a picture of an arch angel hanging over the piano.

"I was turned in the seventeen hundreds….it was an accident…I didn't know my maker, nor did I wish to. I spent years hiding. I was convinced..maybe rightly so, that I was a monster and I tried repeatedly to destroy myself. Naturally, I couldn't. When I discovered I could live off of the blood of animals instead of humans I was elated….this was a second chance. But I never did lose the feeling of being evil…it hung over my heart always, like a dark vapor. I despaired of ever walking in the light again. I thought I didn't deserve it even if I could."

" What made things change?"

Carlisle smiled. "Edward."

" What?"

Carlisle seemed to be staring into the past. " My medicine gave me purpose, but it wasn't until Edward came into my life I really felt as though I deserved to live. He was my savior as much as I was his."

I felt sorrow rise in me, I thought of my son. The son that was taken from me . Would he have saved me? Would I have wanted him to? I shivered.

Carlisle sighed, " Your past doesn't matter Esme, you have eternity ahead of you."

"I know…" I said, "I'm not ashamed…not with you."

Carlisle's eyes filled with pain. My pain and his sorrow for it. I turned away.

"Please," I said, " Don't look like that…I know what you're feeling and…it will always be there. I'm afraid you'll have to learn to ignore it…both of us will."

Carlisle's voice was gentle, " It would help me if I knew the cause."

I felt my insides stiffen, I did not look at him.

Carlisle was silent, waiting. I took a deep breath, fighting tears I knew I was incapable of shedding. But my voice was shaky as I spoke.

" I lost someone I loved, someone I felt I couldn't live without."

"What was their name?"

I choked. My son had had no name. He had died before I could name him.

" What happened Esme?"

I felt myself begin to tremble, I closed my eyes against the pain. Then with a shuddering gasp the admission broke forth . For the first time I said it out loud.

"He died…I couldn't do anything..he was too sick and they wouldn't even let me see him…they just put him in the ground and.."

I stopped my throat working. Carlisle's voice was gentle. "Who was he?"

My sorrow broke out in a sob, as I gave an identity to my sorrow for the first time in words.

"My child….my little baby…my son…" I put my face in my hands, my shoulders heaving with tearless sobs. " My son…"

I felt Carlisle's arm around me suddenly, drawing me close to him on the sofa. I put my face in his shoulder sobbing. He said nothing letting me vent my emotion, when I was still he kissed the top of my head and spoke softly.

"I'm sorry." He said simply. " I shouldn't have…"

"Don't apologize…it's good to say it…out loud. "

" Esme…I love you."

I looked at him silent. Please…I thought. Please don't make me say it.

" I know we've only just met…but I can't help what I'm feeling. Of course I understand if you don't.."

I love you! I love you too! I loved you from the moment I saw you!

I wanted to shout it to him, cover him in kisses and declare my love over and over again.

But something within me held me back.

"Carlisle," I said, " I care for you very much, more then I can ever say…but I'll never say that I love you."

"But, why not?"

" Because….I won't love anyone that much. Not anymore. It's too much."

Carlisle looked sad. " You can tell yourself what you like Esme…just remember, you don't fool me."

I bowed my head, " I know…but…I can't say it."

"I understand."

I felt the warmth in my chest again. How could I explain to him how deep my feelings were for him without uttering those words I couldn't bring myself to admit. In the end it came naturally.

I leaned towards him looking directly into those gorgeous eyes without a trace of fear, I touched the marble cheek cradling the side of his face in my palm. Carlisle looked almost puzzled and as he smiled I saw him tremble. He leaned forward to kiss my forehead, but I inclined my head and pressed my lips to his.

Marble to Marble. Ice to ice. Cold as the grave, but very, very nice.

I withdrew with a smile, but Carlisle caught me and drew me to him again kissing me deeply and desperately. If I could breathe I would have gasped. But as it was I merely opened my lips against his and drew my tongue over his cold lips. When we parted, his eyes were closed.

"Carlisle?" I asked. He held up his hand. After a moment he spoke.

"You have no idea how long I have waited to feel this way."

I smiled at him fondly. " Yes I do."


	6. The Hunt

Chapter Six: The Hunt

"Esme! Are you ready?" I turned from my mirror where I'd been sitting applying the same shade of lipstick over and over again. At Carlisle's voice, my stomach turned sour as if I were human and had food to vomit. "Coming…" I said shakily. Slowly I smoothed the Khaki pants Edward had lent me over my too perfect legs and made my way to the stairs. Edward's voice rang suddenly in my head as smooth as French silk.

" _Esme, don't let it worry you. You're with experts now."_

" _That's not what worries me."_

" _Hmmm, well, as to the other thing. Don't worry about that either, once you smell blood instinct takes over."_

I wanted to gag at this. _" Thank you, Edward."_ I managed.

By then I'd reached the door. I opened it and went down the drive to Carlisles car. As I got in, Edward gave me , what I assumed was a reassuring smile. There was too much excitement in it for my taste. I looked to Carlisle who slipped his arm around me. " Well, we're off!" _In more ways then one._ I thought to myself. But Carlisle was having his usual calming effect.

The ride was pleasant enough, my dread was eclipsed by the beauty of the scenery around me. When we pulled into the narrow dirt road that led to the secluded glade Carlisle had purchased for this purpose I had almost forgotten why we had come.

The glade was actually on the edge of a cliff that sloped gently to the forest below, the view was breath taking . " It's beautiful!" I smiled getting as close as I could to the edge. Carlisle put an arm around me, " So are you." I kissed him and behind us I heard Edward cough. We both smiled, poor Edward having to put up with us. We set about making camp. There were two tents , a small one for Edward and a larger one for Carlisle and I. It seemed almost like home.

That night, as we clustered around the fire that was more for decoration thadn any other purpose, Carlisle and Edward went over maps and discussed the plan for the next day. A scuffle broke out that made me chuckle.

" Carlisle, I don't care if there are thousands of deer there! I want my mountain lion and they don't like valleys."

" Honestly, Edward you're as picky as a two year old sometimes."

"YOU made me young."

They started laughing then, Edward would go his own way. He always did, Edward preferred his solitude it made him feel protected. Me, I was just glad of the distraction.

That night, in the confines of the Tent, wrapped in Carlisles strong , cold, arms I turned to him. " What should I hunt?"

"Nothing, I'll do all the work. Just stay with me..it's safest."

"I won't have to kill a mountain lion,will I?"

Carlisle laughed, " No, No, that's lesson two..A la Edward . Deer is more your speed. Don't worry Esme, we'll take everything very slow."

I rolled back over my hands pressing his palms to my chest between my breasts. I closed my eyes and soon I was asleep.

The woods were beautiful, it was almost romantic walking silently through it with Carlisle at my side.

"Carlisle! Look at the bunny!" I said before I could help myself. Carlisle smiled. " Ah, Snow Shoe Hare. I love them, they're adorable little creatures. Tasty too."

I flinched and Carlisle chuckled, " I'm kidding. I leave the smaller creatures alone and the baby ones. It's only sporting."

"There are rules?"

"Of course! We don't use weapons, only our hands and teeth. We also take only what we need to survive and we never..NEVER no matter how hungry we get kill people."

"Do they suffer? The animals, I mean. I know it sounds trite..but."

Carlisle stretched his back and limbs like a runner stretching for a race. " Not when I hunt, Edward either. One quick bite to the neck and it's over. Sometimes we'll even dazzle them so they aren't afraid. If we can control ourselves enough."

I was comforted by this, it wasn't sheer butchery then. Suddenly Carlisle held up his hand halting me.

" Sssh!" Carlisle pointed ahead. Looking through the trees I saw them. A herd of deer, grazing in a meadow just a few feet away.

" I'll go first, I'll wear one of them out and then I'll call to you. Wait for my signal. "

I nodded, " Be careful."

Carlisle gave a toothy smile. " Are you talking to me or to them?"

He took off then at an awe inspiring speed, the deer had nowhere to go and the young doe Carlisle culled from the herd was on the ground before she had time to panic. I watched as Carlisle stroked the creatures neck and side murmuring to it until slowly it relaxed. He nodded to me, but I was rooted to the spot.

"Esme, hurry before she wakes up!"

I moved forward as quickly as I could, I knelt beside the struggling deer and opened my mouth leaning over its soft brown neck. Then our eyes met. The doe's eyes were liquid brown and so gentle it broke my heart. She seemed not to know her danger, she seemed confident this beautiful woman and man would not hurt her. I felt my resolve waver. Carlisle's voice was reassuring.

"All creature's on earth must eat, Esme. It's either her or a human."

I closed my eyes and pressed my mouth to her neck but I couldn't bite.

"Bite her!" urged Carlisle. But I pulled back, tears flowing from my eyes.

"I'm sorry!" I said, "I can't do it! I just can't! I'm sorry!"

I ran off then, I could hear Carlisle's voice behind me.

"ESME! Wait!"

I didn't. The trees whizzed by me, dizzying me until finally I tripped over a log and fell to my knees. I put my face in my hands and sobbed. I felt Carlisle nearby and it made me sob harder, I'd failed him.

"Esme.." his voice was gentle as the hand he layed on my shoulder.

"Leave me alone."

"It's not your fault…I was the same way at first. No one WANTS to kill, but if you want to live..something has to die."

"But I'm not alive! None of us are, are we? So what does it matter?"

Carlisle held her close. " If I tell you a secret, will you swear never to tell anyone."

"Of course not."

Carlisle sighed, his voice was grim. "When Edward was a new vampire, he tried to go without killing for as long as possible. He thought his hunger made him sharper, more alert. One day…he snapped."

I looked up at him, "What happened?"

" We were in Denali, Alaska at the time, hiding out from the world. One night, Edward gave into his hunger. He snuck away and in the morning, there was news all over the village that an animal had killed an entire Indian tribe in a neighboring territory."

"Oh my God…Edward?"

Carlisle nodded, " When he came back to himself he was beside himself with guilt. But, you see, the hunger blinds us..it makes us like animals. We can't control it, it controls us."

I was silent for a moment. "What did you do? I mean, about Edward?"

"What could I do? What's done is done, I couldn't bring those people back. We had to leave, that was when we moved to Forks, the first time."

"You weren't angry?"

"Oh I was furious, but in the end I couldn't blame Edward. He was young. He didn't realize the importance of our rules. You mustn't think less of him. Edward would rather harm himself then harm anyone. But he's one of us and so are you. I would never want something like that to happen again."

"I would never!"

"Yes you would. So would I, If we were careless. So you see Esme, we're faced with two evils…we choose to choose the lesser of the two."

I bowed my head. " I understand." Carlisle drew me close.

" What happened to the doe?" I asked. Carlisle smiled.

"I let her go. You made me lose my appetite."

I sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Never apologize for reminding me of my humanity. That's why I love you so much."

The next day, we set out again. We caught up with another herd of deer in a meadow full of wild flowers, it was a beautiful scene. A peaceful scene. I tried not to think about it.

" All right, this is for real this time." Said Carlisle, " We'll just call last time a practice. A strike, just like in base ball.."

"What happens if I hit three?"

"I eat the deer and I find you a bob cat."

Carlisle winked, then he squeezed my hand. "You'll be fine Esme, just don't look them in the eye. It helps."

I nodded, " Thanks for the advice."

Carlisle put a finger to his lips and started stalking toward a young doe. But suddenly, I couldn't stand the waiting. Better I should get it over with, then sit here like a helpless female waiting for my man to save me. I let myself get riled, even get angry just for the encouragement it gave me. I took a deep breath and when I released it I was running.

I flew by Carlisle so fast all I saw was a blur of gold as he turned his head to me in surprise. I lept at the young doe and straddling it brought it to the ground in one smooth movement. I knew I could not 'dazzle' my prey yet as Carlisle had so I made my movements as quick and precise as possible. Before I could think about it I drew the animal's head back and sunk my teeth into the hollow beneath it's jaw.

I felt the warm blood flow into my mouth. The gamey, metallic taste of it covered my tongue and my nose was full of the sea water smell of it. I swallowed again and again in rapture. I had never felt so completely satisfied and yet so desperately hungry. Like a child at the breast I sucked my nourishment desperately surrendering myself to it completely. Then, suddenly Carlisle's hand was on my shoulder, guiding me away gently.

"That's enough,Esme. If you take too much it will look suspicious."

I heard him, but my senses were still fixed on the blood. I clung tighter to the creature's neck, feeding desperately. Carlisle grasped my shoulders firmly and pulled me away.

A hiss so feral it frightened me as well sprung from my lips. Carlisle whirled me toward him, forcing me to look in his eyes.

"Esme, it's over..come back to yourself. Look at me…come back."

Slowly I did, dazedly I separated myself from his arms wiping at the blood on my mouth with my sleeve. I looked to the deer lying still and dead at my feet and I felt fear fill me. I turned my eyes to Carlisle.

" Don't be afraid." He said gently, " It's all part of being a vampire, blood is our drug of choice. To drink it is a high like nothing else."

I licked my tongue over the remnants of the blood on my teeth still savoring the taste. " I never dreamed it would be so easy…so easy to give in."

" Neither did I…" said Carlisle, " Be greatful someone was there to teach you."

I wrapped my arms around him, leaning into him. " I am, I am greatful."

" Are you allright?"

"Yes," I said, surprised to find I was.

"Good." He said, " Speaking of drugs of choice, let's go find Edward. See if he's found his mountain lion."

I turned back to the body of the deer lying alone in the meadow. It seemed unfair that she should lay there, alone to be torn apart by wild animals. Especially after she'd given her life to sustain my hunger.

Carlisle's eyes followed my own. He smiled. "You see those flowers Esme?" he said indicating the rainbow of blooms that carpeted the meadow.

"Yes, their beautiful."

" That's what becomes of dead animals. Like that doe. So you see, nature evens the scales."

I smiled , then I kissed him. Tasting the blood on my lips, he lingered longer than normal his tongue tracing the inside of my mouth. " I love you." He said. " I love you too." I said and meant it.


	7. Nightmare

I would like to say I was a natural at being a vampire.

I wasn't.

Carlisle swore it was that way for all new vampires but it didn't help me. I had little or no natural blood lust, it was an all or nothing thing for me. Either they ALL had to hold me back or I was NOTHING to worry about.

I can laugh at it now, now that things are less serious but it was very much a problem at the time. Very much.

That was the worst of my flaws. But it was not the only one. I was constantly committing little errors, faux pas if you will. Now that I'm more 'mature' I almost never mess up but back then …well I was anything but lady grace.

One example sticks out in my mind among the rest.

Every woman has a way of nourishing her frustrated maternal instincts. Some care for younger siblings, some put the love and care into hobbies or keeping house. Not me. I just had to have some small, living thing that depended on me and only me. The idea of a vampire child was never even a thought that entered my mind, in fact it repulsed me. That was one faux pas I would never commit.

So, I brought home a puppy.

I know. Say it with me now…Bad Idea Esme.

I can still remember the look on Carlisle's face when I walked through the door with that little squirming, furry bundle. He was beyond flustered. I didn't blame him.

" Esme…" he said, " What in heaven's name is THAT?"

I held the puppy up to look at him, it was a shepherd mix with one blue eye and one brown and it was practically flirting with Carlisle. " It's a puppy." I said, not getting his point. " The woman at the shop said she was going to drown him. Can you believe how cruel people can be? Just because he's different." I kissed its head and Carlisle put a hand to his forehead.

"Esme…I understand your empathy. But, did you think this through? If not, please take a moment to do so now. "

I did, it didn't make a difference.

"Oh Carlisle, sweety! Just look at him! I know it's against the rules but it is just a puppy."

"Esme, you know why we have the rules right? I'm sorry but there's just no easy way to put this…don't play with your food."

He was making a point. But it sounded so funny I couldn't help but laugh, Carlisle glowered.

"This is serious Esme! I mean look at that thing! It's cute now but once the blood lust kicks in.."

" I would never eat a puppy! You either!"

Carlisle sighed then, his eyes softening. " You're right..we're civilized vampires, we can show a little self restraint I'm sure. " Carlisle eyed the puppy where it lay in a soft, furry pile on the velvet couch, then he smiled. " Look at that face, he looks like God got drunk."

"Be nice to him!" I said, " Poor little Odd ball!"

Carlisle laughed, " Well, now he has a name. Hear that Oddball? You're a vampire dog now..god help us all."

I kissed his cheek, "How bad can it be?"

At that moment Edward came around the corner and with that crooked smile on his lips feinted a look of excitement.

"Excellent! Esme brought home snacks!"

I have never seen Carlisle move so quickly, even for a vampire it was fast. But thankfully not as fast as Edward who was sitting at the top of the neighboring roof before Carlisle managed to catch up. I can remember settling down on the sofa with Oddball, after I'd finished laughing. " Well, little one." I said, " Welcome to one crazy family."

Not all my slip ups were so humorous. Before I learned the rules I embarrassed myself and Carlisle on many occasions. Fortunately my mistakes were minor and Carlisle was very understanding. Edward too, though he often teased me good naturedly about them.

But one mistake was no laughing matter. To this day it and its consequences haunt me, if I could dream I know it would be haunted by them. Like so many things it all started with a good intention.

Carlisle had warned me, I could never blame him for my bad judgement. But I grew tired of having to travel once a month to feed and all it entailed. I grew sullen and sad about living off of living things even though Carlisle tried to reassure me as always. His words were growing old and I was tired of feeling like a monster. To me giving into that horrible hunger I had was like allowing myself to become evil, I hated it.

So I decided to live dangerously…so to speak. I did the worst possible thing I could have done to solve the problem…I denied my craving.

The first time I refused to go on the monthly hunt, Carlisle took it well. He tried to persuade me, but when I persisted he grew angry and we argued.

"Esme, I warned you about this, how can you be so irresponsible?"

"I'm tired of killing, Carlisle..just this month. I'll hunt next month. I can fight it, I know I can!"

"Esme, it's in your nature..you can't fight your nature it's not possible! Do you want another Denali? Is that what you want on your conscience?"

"My heart is stronger than my nature! This won't be like Denali! I'm not going Carlisle, if you try to make me I'll hate you for it."

Carlisle looked at me anger in his eyes, it was the first time I'd ever seen him look at me that way. It broke my heart, but it had become a matter of principle.

"If you jeopardize this family because of your own selfish needs, I'll hate YOU for it."

I glared at him and walked into the house slamming the door.

Later I got a cell phone call, it was Carlisle sounding contrite. We talked and apologized and I swore I would go with them the next time. It seemed the issue was over.

A month passed and though it was hard I managed to keep control of my lust. I was very proud of myself as we went to hunt. All seemed to be well. Until I just had to push things further.

If I could do one month, why not two? I kept it a secret from Carlisle as long as I could, hunting on my own, taking just enough blood so my eyes would not change. But it was never enough to satisfy , I was a ticking time bomb and I didn't even know it.

Carlisle and I were invited to a formal function, a physicians convention to be held in New York. It was a beautiful event, lavish dinners and elegant balls. Some families brought their children. One little girl in particular, Charlotte, took a shine to me. She was a beautiful child, dark curly hair to her shoulders and sapphire blue eyes. I adored her. She was the worst thing for me.

It didn't hit me at first, my maternal instinct covered over the lust for blood. But one night, at one of the balls little Charlotte ran up to me. I lifted her into my arms and I knew. Things were changing, the very smell of her blood made the venom in my mouth flow and I began to view her not as the adorable little human child she was. But as prey, delectable and tempting as the finest wine. I sent the child away, she left confused.

The child was not one to give up, finally I gave in to her angelic pout and sad eyes and let her sit with me while we watched the other couples dance. She looked up at me at one point and said in her soft voice. " Aunty Esme, your eyes are funny."

All the better to see you with my dear. I thought with a shudder.

" It's because it's dark." I said, the little girl smiled rubbing her eyes.

"I'm tired."

"Well, lean against me and you can sleep."

The child did so and I began crooning a lullabye. The smell of her sweet, unadulterated blood made my head spin and my hunger grew until I thought I'd burst with it. I bit my lip, feeling the sweat begin to pool under my dress. I continued to croon and suddenly it was like I was in a dream, Unable to stop my actions. I bent forward ever so gently and put my lips to the little neck. Then I bit her.

Charlotte's scream brought me to my senses I withdrew covering my face with my napkin. Charlotte bolted off my lap and into her mother's arms. Immeadiately there was chaos. Carlisle ran to my side, taking my shoulder almost roughly.

"Esme, what have you done?"

"I didn't mean to! Is she all right? I couldn't help myself! I…"

" Quiet! Let me do the talking…"

Carlisle apologized to the couple, he invented a story of how I was "Unstable" that I'd been in and out of hospitals and it was thought I was cured that this must have been a relapse then he excuse himself taking me back to our room. I was frozen with shock and horror, tears filling my eyes. Carlisle turned on me once we went into the room.

"You've been lying to me!"

"I thought I could handle it…I didn't want you to hate me, that's why I lied! I never thought..Carlisle please, please don't hate me!"

" You could have killed that child! How am I supposed to trust you Esme if you do things like this? Behind my back! With no concern for…"

He stopped I was sobbing now, my face in my hands. I was trembling with remorse for what I'd done and what I might have done. Carlisle sat down beside me, sighing deeply. His hand slipped over my own and when he spoke it was gentle.

"I forgive you Esme, Mistakes happen. What angers me is you ignored the rules, you risked all of us."

I looked up at him. " I know. I'm sorry…I promise you it won't happen again."

His arm went around my shoulders, but I moved away.

" Did you ever think Carlisle that perhaps you made the wrong decision concerning me?"

Carlisle turned to look at me, confusion in his face.

"Esme, how could you think that?"

" I'm not like you and Edward, I make mistakes…dangerous mistakes. I..I don't think I'm strong enough to be a vampire. I'm not so sure I can live like this."

Carlisle put his hands on my shoulders. " This was an accident, a bad decision, it could have happened to any of us."

"I know …I'm sorry. I'm just upset."

I was lying again but he didn't know it. It was for his sake, I reasoned. He would forgive me.

Carlisle embraced me. " Esme, I love you. I never once, not for a moment, regretted taking you into my life. Please, remember that."

I nodded, pressing my cheek into his shoulder. But I felt empty inside, flawed. Evil.

I knew this was anything but over.


	8. The Last Thing

The ride home was beyond misery. I was besieged by my guilt and horror at what I'd done and what I had become and it drew me within. I was cold, distant, an island of ice in a sea of despair.

Carlisle tried to lighten my mood, but in the end he seemed to know it was useless and left me to my misery. At one point he reached over and put his marble hand on my leg. "I love you." He whispered, then went silent again. I wanted to respond, I wanted to tell him I loved him too but I felt as though I was unworthy of his love now more than ever.

When we arrived home, Edward took one look at me and I could tell he knew. He kept his peace though, asking me if I felt all right. Making polite conversation, until Carlisle banished him gently as he led me upstairs.

At the bedroom door, I turned to him. " I want to be alone now, please? I need time. Time to think."

Carlisle nodded, I could see the deep emotion in his eyes. He was afraid for me, he was afraid of losing me..he loved me. He loved me in spite of it all. I looked away and shut the door blotting out his sad, all too human eyes. I did not deserve to be forgiven.

Looking back, I was very selfish. I was so absorbed by my guilt and my own dark fancies that I never once thought of the effect on those around me. But at the time, I thought I was saving them, protecting them from the monster, the evil, that was me.

I stayed in my room most of the time, wrapped in my own thoughts. I even slept alone, though I shared a bed. Rather than taking shelter in Carlisle's arms, I kept as far from him as possible a rigid fence of solitude as unpenitrable as any fortress.

I didn't mean to be cruel, that was the last thing I wanted. Ironically I felt my estrangement was protecting those I loved, keeping them from the savage and unpredictable thing that I was. It never occurred to me that I would be causing more suffering by my self- imposed exile. I was soon to realize that was precisely the case.

One evening I was sitting at my window , staring blankly at the rapidly sinking sun . As it fell it turned the sky many shades of vivid color from rosy pink to fiery orange it was breath taking. I hardly noticed the beauty however, I did not see what was before my eyes but what was inside my head. What had haunted my waking dreams for weeks now, the very thing I knew I could never hide from. I could never escape this nameless horror, because it was a part of me. There is no relief from fear, when what you fear is yourself.

Fear when it is kept inside becomes like a wild animal. I have heard stories of animals mutilating themselves to escape traps. I understood their sentiments, the fear inside me clawed and bit at me until the pain grew too great to bear. I could not free it, so, slowly it consumed me. I grew more and more apart from this world, until my own internal world was all that there was. I became a recluse, my mind being my own jail.

As I sat that day, watching the day die with indifference, I suddenly sensed Carlisle's presence in the room and I stiffened.

"Beautiful evening, isn't it?"

Carlisle's voice was warm and satin soft as always. It made me want to run and embrace him . I closed my eyes and hated him for it. I did not respond, too deep in myself.

I felt Carlisle coming closer. 'please' I thought to myself, ' Please don't touch me. This will all be over then and you'll be in danger. Please, Carlisle. Don't try to comfort me.'

Carlisle's voice was sterner now, mere inches from my ear. But his hands remained at his sides, never the less I could smell his after shave and the strange, antiseptic, hospital smell that clung to him so often. It was so familiar and comforting I wanted to scream.

"Esme, you've been shut up in here for a week. I understood when all this time you needed your space,I even understood when you wanted nothing to do with us. But this, this lifelessness…it's not natural, it's not healthy."

I forced myself to answer calmly, my voice was spiritless. " Is there anything NATURAL about what we are Carlisle?"

It hurt him, I knew. I could feel his worry for me and it was as though his pain were my own, but I could not let him win this time."

Carlisle's voice was firm. " Esme, you're being unreasonable…I understand how upsetting what happened must have been, but you can't keep punishing yourself like this."

I was silent. How dare he tell me what I could and could not do? I would punish myself as much as I liked. So there. I heard Carlisle sigh and retire a short distance. When he spoke his voice was frustrated.

" You're not the first, nor the last of us to ..let things go too far. The important thing is, you caught yourself..it could have been so much worse. It will get better, with time."

" Time will not change what I am! Anymore then it will change what you are or Edward or any of the others! If I cannot control this beast within me then I do not deserve to live this life!"

I fell silent again, Carlisle seemed shocked. " You have no other choice Esme…the time for choices has passed. I don't wish to throw the past at you but it is the truth. You are one of us Esme, there is no turning back now."

I did not respond, if I could have cried I would have. I sobbed dryly into my hand and Carlisle came closer. His hand rested on my shoulder and I felt my whole body tremble.

" You have no idea the pain it causes me seeing you like this. You are my heart , Esme and my soul, if I have one. It's not just you that is suffering for your mistake."

" Go away." I sobbed, " Go away and leave me alone."

" That's something I'll never do, Esme. I would do anything for you, but not that. No matter how many times you ask I will never leave you."

I did scream then, it was muffled with my hand so it came out more growl then scream. I slammed my hand against the arm of the chair like a two year old.

" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I don't want you to help me! I don't want your pity!"

Carlisle knelt beside me, he touched my cheek. I did not turn, but he did it for me turning my face toward him. I saw the pain in his tearless eyes and wished I'd died.

"Esme," he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. " I love you."

I twisted my head away. " Don't." I said simply. I heard Carlisle sigh as he rose and crossed the room to the door. It was then that my pain found its exit. Only this time it was not only me it hurt.

" I wish I had never met you. I wish you had never made me one of you. It's because of you I have to live like this…you…you should have known better! I was never meant to be THIS! I'm not like you! I can never be like you and now you've given me no alternative! I HATE YOU FOR IT!"

The minute the words had left my mouth I knew they were lies. Bitter, vindictive perversions of my fears directed at the one person on earth I knew would never hurt me. But it was too late.

For a moment Carlisle stood looking at me as though in awe. His amber eyes were wide with pain and perhaps anger at my words, if it were possible he seemed even paler and a livid tremble filled his voice.

" Well now, Esme…I'm glad to see you're finally saying what's on your mind. " he paused to swallow and collect himself, when I spoke again I realized the trembling was not anger…it was fear. Carlisle was afraid of me. " I'm sorry if I've wronged you. It was not my intention, when I gave you the choice I tried to explain things. I see now I failed. I am sorry."

" Carlisle…" I began, but Carlisle raised his hand and without another word walked to the door. I was about to speak again when I saw Carlisle freeze with his hand on the door handle. I saw his eyes close as he leaned forward slowly until his forehead rested on the door. Then I watched in horror as his body slid slowly to the ground where he knelt his face in his hands, his body shaking with dry sobs.

" Carlisle!" I was at his side in a moment, my arms around his marble body trying to draw him to me. " Carlisle, I'm so sorry…I didn't mean those things, none of them. I was just afraid and you were right and I couldn't stand it! Carlisle, please! Carlisle, stop!"

It was the strangest feeling, crying without tears. It was extremely painful having nothing to distract me from the pain of the emotion, I could only imagine what Carlisle was feeling.

"Esme.." Carlisle spoke finally, his voice a raw, husky whisper, " Esme, please don't hate me. Curse me, slap me, do anything you please to prove your point only do not shut me out of your heart."

I whispered his name, but he did not respond. I had never seen him so distraught and it was me that had reduced him to that state. I thought I'd die of remorse.

" I wouldn't blame you for it if you did…I've hated myself too…so much. But I meant well, Esme…I did."

The sobbing had grown weaker and now he leaned limply against my arm as he spoke. I brushed the hair out of his eyes. " I don't hate you, I could never hate you, you saved me. "

"I made you a monster."

"Do you think I'm a monster?"

"How could you say that…"

" Then, there you go."

Carlisle looked at me desperately. " I'm not like Edward, I can't read your mind. So, please, Esme…tell me what you're thinking…honestly."

I kissed his forehead. " I love you Carlisle. I only hope you can still love me."

Carlisle closed his eyes, "Esme…if you tore me limb from limb I would forgive you with my last breath. But you must never, frighten me like that again. You cannot leave me, Esme. Ever. I need you with me."

I hugged his head to my chest, it felt strange being the protector instead of the protected but it was not unpleasant. " I need you too." I said, " I want to be with you, I swear I do. Always."

"Always?"

" Yes."

Carlisle suddenly took my hands staring earnestly into my eyes, amber suns warming me to my core. When he spoke his voice was the same voice I remembered hearing that day on the cliffs.

"Marry me then."

" WHAT?!"

It was not the reaction I wanted, I had not planned on blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. I had the speech nearly every female has in her head from child hood of what she will say when she is proposed to. But in the end, disbelief won out. Luckily Carlisle saw the humor in it and giving a wisp of a smile spoke again, lifting himself to one knee."

" Esme, Will you marry me? "

I surely would have been crying if I had tears to shed. I was shivering, " I don't deserve this…"

"I know, you're far too good for me…but will you have me just the same?"

I laughed then, it was as though someone had torn a hole in my despair and now sunlight showered in filling me with joy. Then suddenly a thought occurred to me.

"Wait. Carlisle, can we DO that?"

Carlisle smiled, " We can do anything we want…within reason."

I grinned, "Yes, then." I said,

In one motion we were standing and he was lifting me in his arms. " Thank you". He said and then he kissed me. In that moment it seemed time stood still. When at last we parted, he ran a hand down my face gently.

" I've waited my whole life for this moment. I've never been so happy."

For a moment we stood in silence, lost in each other's eyes. Only a moment though. For quite suddenly, from down below came the sound of someone playing the wedding march very enthusiastically and VERY LOUDLY. It would appear Edward hadn't been giving us as much privacy as it appeared.

We both laughed. Carlisle gestured grandly, " May I present to you, life with Edward…never a dull moment ..or a private one. And you think an eternity with YOU scares me?"

"You won't miss being a batchelor?" I teased, " After all, you have all of eternity ahead of you."

Carlisle's voice was deep with emotion, "Esme, one moment with you is worth more than an eternity alone for me. Do you promise never to leave me?"

I grinned, pulling him into a passionate kiss.

"I do."


	9. Welcome Home

I know you are all probably drooling over the aspect of hearing about a vampire wedding. Your head is most likely full of lavish images of satin bridal gowns, doves and a cathedral full of flowers.

I am sorry, but I will have to disappoint you on that note. Vampires don't change who they are when they become vampires. If you are a good person, you will be a moral vampire ( Carlisle taught me that is possible.). If you are a cruel person, then you will be a cruel vampire and if you're a person that hates being the center of attention. Well…c'est la vie.

Carlisle and I were married simply. No lavish ceremony, only ourselves, Edward and a justice of the peace. It was held in a tiny chapel in the woods, I wore the blue dress Carlisle had given me and he gave me his mother's wedding band he'd somehow managed to save after all these years. Edward provided the music on the chapel's old piano. To me, it was the most beautiful wedding I could have asked for. More beautiful even, then my lavish white dress wedding to my first husband.

After the ceremony, Edward disappeared magically. When I asked Carlisle where he'd gone, he just smiled. "I think Edward knows when he's not wanted." He kissed my neck and I felt my knees turn to water. The moment I'd wanted since I had become a vampire had arrived, I could now express fully the bond Carlisle and I shared. Then why oh why was I shivering?

In the back seat of the Limousine as we wound our way toward the cottage deep in the woods where we would spend our honey moon, Carlisle put a hand on my leg.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do Esme." he said with a kind smile.

_But I do want to do those things, I do I do I do._ I thought fiercely, cursing my nerves.

" Carlisle, it isn't that…I've wanted this for so long."

"But?" Carlisle tilted his head, twirling a tendril of my hair that had slipped free.

I took his hand and looked deep into his soft, ochre eyes. "You know my husband, how he was..what he did to me?"

"Yes."

" He didn't just hit me, there were…other things too. Things a woman doesn't usually talk about." I paused, " But she should."

I saw the switch in Carlisle's eyes. I should have been used to it by now, when the vampire peered out from my lover's eyes but it still never failed to frighten me. His eyes filled with that angry, protective look. I thought if my husband were not dead, he would have been sooner rather than later. But in the next instant his eyes were their usual gentle selves. His voice was a sigh when he spoke again.

"Oh Esme…"

"You don't have to say anything…it doesn't matter now. That life is over and you've given me a new one. I didn't want to tell you, but I had to. So you see if I'm..reluctant it isn't because of you. I'm like a little child, afraid of ghosts."

Carlisle took a deep breath, I could smell the wintery chill of it and it made my flesh tingle. I looked up at him through my veil. Tense. Expectant.

Carlisle brushed my cheek with the back of his marble hand. I smiled in spite of myself.

"We all have our ghosts Esme. Becoming a vampire may change your future, but it doesn't eliminate your past. I understand that. No one should have to go through what you've gone through it's…unspeakable. I'll not ask you to forget it, only time can do that. All I ask is that you believe me when I say I would never hurt you. I love you and I will kill anyone that touches you."

It startled me hearing the word kill come from Carlisle's lips, maybe it was the way the animal peeked out from behind his eyes when he spoke the word or perhaps the way his lips curled back just a hair to reveal a glimpse of his teeth, but it threw me. Then it made me feel happier then I'd ever felt in a long time.

"Then you'll understand, if I can't…"

Carlisle drew me close and kissed the top of my head. " I'll more then understand." He said, " Just having you nearby will be enough, everything else..well we'll just have to wait and see."

I curled into him. " I love you." I said, I always thought I over used the words. I love you. I love you. All day long like a little parrot. But I always meant it when I said it, I used words to express what I could not always show. I felt Carlisle smile, " I love you too." He said, " Always." It was the first time I'd ever believed those words. Always, I thought. My ear against his silent heart, breathing in his wintery fragrance. Always and forever, together for eternity.

The cottage had been an engagement gift to me from Carlisle. He knew how much I missed the country town I'd grown up in, so he created a little piece of country for me. He had the cabin constructed by one of the finest architects. It was simple, but elegant. A small wooden structure with two floors, one of which was half taken over by a loft used for storage. The place was furnished with useful but elegant furniture and of course windows lit up every room. No one to see meant no hiding, this was the best part about the cabin. It was surrounded by deep woods and often Carlisle and I with Oddball tagging at our heels would go on the hunt together. Edward would often sneer good naturedly at us as we left and say " Deer…ugh…some of us have no taste! Now show me a forest full of Mountain Lions and there's a heaven." He was always good natured about such things. Good natured as Edward was I knew he was lonely and had been for a long time. When I asked Carlisle about it he simply sighed and said " I know I've done Edward a great injustice making him so young. I only hope one day I can make it up to him. Somehow."

Stepping into this cabin full all ready with so many "family memories" should have been like stepping into home. But it felt different this time, an excitement lingered in the air and as Carlisle and I set about unpacking and settling in it grew until it seemed the room would catch on fire. The sun had not yet set when Carlisle turned to me.

"Esme, I was thinking…would you mind terribly if we…"

I was in his arms before he finished, Carlisle and I always could finish each other's sentences. Kissing him hard I suddenly withdrew blushing. " I think that might be a good idea." We laughed then, he swept me into his arms and still laughing like children we went upstairs.

The big master bedroom Carlisle and I shared was decorated after the Victorian fashion. A dressing table with a kerosene lamp ( Now electrified, no fire for us thank you.) where my things lay spread out neatly. A table with two chairs by the window, a night stand with a tiffany lamp and of course the bed. A big antique canopied thing, covered in pillows and a feather coverlet. It was onto this Carlisle threw me, I bounced and the feathers exploded out of both sides of the coverlet.

This set me off again and managing to smother myself I whispered, " Easy, go easy for heaven's sake!"

" Oh, I'm sorry!" said Carlisle with a grin, " Did I hurt you?"

I smiled, as if he could. My body was as marble hard as his was now.

"It's the bed I'm worried about!" I laughed as he lay down beside me and then our eyes met. As his hand reached out and began to undo the zipper on the back of my dress I felt my skin prickle in anticipation of his touch. I felt Carlisle's icy palm trace my back, stopping to undo my undergarments. His lips touched mine and my hands had his shirt unbuttoned and off before the kiss ended. I stood and let my dress fall to the floor as well as my under garments. Then we were in each other's arms, twining and untwining the way lovers do. I had never felt this way with my other husband, Carlisle was so gentle and so loving and I wasn't afraid not one bit. When it was over, I wept. Carlisle wiped my tears away, his face concerned. " What did I do?" I laughed over my tears, " It's not that..I'm happy, so happy..I feel like I'm alive for the first time. You can't begin to imagine.."

Carlisle put an icy finger to my lips, " I can Imagine it…I felt it the first time I met you and I still feel it every time I look in your eyes. I smiled, tears spilling down my cheeks, gathering him to me. Lying in his arms I thought of a line from one of my favourite Psalms.

"_I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine._

_Where my beloved goes, there shall I go._

_And so it shall be all the days of our lives."_

"Carlisle," I asked softly, " Will you promise me something?"

"Anything."

" Stay with me?"

Carlisle kissed my head, " Do you really have to ask me if I will?"

" I don't mean it just that way. Promise to be careful, promise not to let life .."

"Change me?" Carlisle's lips moved on my neck. " Esme I have had centuries to make me what I am today, I have no intention of changing it. "

I moved closer to him. " Good, because I couldn't bare for you to become like ..like them. Like the others. It would…"

Carlisle hushed me, " Stop that now, this is our wedding night. Nothing is going to change Esme unless we want it too. You're safe with me, nothing is going to come between us."

I believed him, I did. Wrapped in this cold marble embrace I had never felt more warm. I was a full woman now, someone's beloved…Carlisle's beloved. His chosen, his mate. I was home.


End file.
